It’s the end of your shift, you’re walking or driving back home to your accommodation, and the events of the day are sitting heavily. Perhaps a patient interaction didn’t go the way you had hoped. A family got upset with you. You made a call under pressure with the information you had, but you’re still not sure it was the right one.
And then your inner voice starts, quietly, but firmly. “You should have seen that coming.” “You should be over this by now.” “Other people have it so much worse; just get on with it.” “It’s just part of the job, so stop being so dramatic.”
It may sound like reason or resilience, but that voice is not protecting you; it is dismissing you. This is self-gaslighting. For many rural and remote healthcare workers, it is as familiar as long days and call-outs, even if no one has named it.
Self-gaslighting is the habit of dismissing our own emotions, experiences, and needs. It can often happen so automatically that we barely notice it. It is especially common in caregiving professions, where self-sacrifice and stoicism are often praised. The constant expectation to just “push through” can make self-gaslighting seem like strength. Self-gaslighting rarely announces itself. It creeps in quietly, dressed up as practicality or professionalism. Notice if any of these feel familiar.
Minimising your feelings. You tell yourself, “I’m just overreacting,” or “It’s not a big deal,” even when something genuinely hurt you. But here’s the thing: your body remembers what your mind minimises. That tightness in your chest on the drive home is telling you something worth listening to.
Constantly doubting yourself. You feel unsure about your memories, your decisions, your emotions most, if not all of the time. That persistent uncertainty isn’t a character flaw. It’s a sign that the inner critic has been running the show for too long. Blaming yourself. Every conflict, every difficult outcome, somehow circles back to you. But pause for a moment and ask yourself, are you actually carrying blame that was never yours to begin with?
Ignoring your emotional needs. You’ve convinced yourself that your feelings are “too much”, that having needs or limits makes you a burden. It doesn’t. Your needs are real, valid, and they matter.
Comparing your pain. “Others are doing it so much worse, I shouldn’t feel upset.” This one is particularly common in healthcare, where suffering surrounds us daily. But pain is not a competition, and yours does not need to earn its place on a scale.
Fear of being “too emotional”. You hide what you’re feeling, or stay silent altogether, because you worry others will see you as dramatic or weak. Needing support is not a failure. It is one of the most human needs there is.
Invalidating your own trauma. You find yourself thinking, “Maybe it wasn’t that bad,” even about experiences that really shook you. You’ve normalised pain so thoroughly that it no longer registers as pain. That’s not weakness, that’s survival, and it deserves to be gently and carefully tended.
Seeking constant validation. You rely on others to confirm what you felt was real, or that your reaction was reasonable, because somewhere along the way you stopped trusting your own judgment. That trust can be rebuilt.
Suppressing your intuition. Something feels wrong, but you talk yourself out of it. You override the quiet knowing in your gut, dismissing it as irrational. Mindfulness would gently suggest the opposite: that gut feeling is worth honouring and paying attention to.
Making excuses for toxic behaviour. “They didn’t mean it,” or “Maybe I’m just too sensitive.” When we consistently defend the people who hurt us while doubting ourselves, we are doing their work for them.
Mindfulness invites us to observe thoughts without fusing with them. Self-gaslighting is the opposite of this, as we treat our harshest thoughts as facts. Rather than believing those unhelpful, gaslighting thoughts, use your inner ‘curious scientist’ and observe them with curiosity, as if you have never encountered these thoughts before. A simple practice you can undertake when you become aware of these thoughts is to PAUSE (see below). This activity is practical and can be done anywhere, at any time, when you notice those self-gaslighting thoughts.
Pause and notice the thought.
Ask, “Would I say this to a colleague?”
Uncover what the feeling underneath that might actually be (as discussed above).
Soften. Place a hand on your chest and take a breath.
Engage with a kinder reframe. What thought would be more helpful and kind right now?
It’s also important to acknowledge that self-compassion is the antidote to self-gaslighting. Whilst self-gaslighting invalidates your own feelings and dismisses your reality, self-compassion offers radical validation of those feelings. It replaces the harsh inner critic with the same patience and kindness you would offer a close friend. Acknowledge that you likely learned this in the past as a survival or protection mechanism, and self-compassion is one of the most powerful gifts you can give yourself.
If you recognised yourself in any of the ten patterns above, please know that noticing this is not a weakness. Noticing is the first, and perhaps the bravest, act of self-compassion. Mindfulness simply invites you to pay attention with honesty and without judgment.
The voice that tells you that you should be over this by now is not the voice of strength. Rather, strength is quieter and sounds like, “This is hard. I am human. I am allowed to feel this.” This week, see if you can catch your inner critic in the act. Simply notice it and then, just for a moment, try offering yourself the same kindness you would offer a friend or your patients or clients.
Awareness is the beginning. Compassion is the path.
Be kind,
Dr Nicole Jeffery-Dawes (she/her)
Senior Psychologist, Mental Health and Wellbeing
