Good morning Monday readers,
Saying “I’m sorry” can bring up a lot of emotions. Sometimes it can be hard to say, or it doesn’t seem to come out the ‘right way’. In rural and remote health settings, our relationships with colleagues and clients can often be quite close, which is why apologies can be even more significant. There is no room to hide from people, and maybe this is where the real work begins for us.
After listening to Dr Harriet Lerner and Brené Brown’s podcast on “I’m Sorry: How to Apologise and Why It Matters”,¹ it really became clear that an apology is not just something nice to do. It is a way to make a relational repair. An apology can be a moment of courage or a missed opportunity.
We have probably learnt the ‘quick fixes’ of saying sorry, like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I’m sorry, but…” or just, “Sorry.” Apologising like this is more about easing tension than repairing the connection, and sometimes, in high-pressure environments, our desire to quickly ‘fix’ things is strong as we move on to the next thing we have to do. A true apology is not about quickly fixing our own or another’s discomfort. It is about staying present within ourselves long enough to acknowledge the impact we have had. That is the important part.
Dr Lerner describes the essential ingredients of a true apology, which include:
- naming the behaviour;
- acknowledging the impact;
- avoiding justification;
- (and my favourite) a true apology does not include the word ‘but’. (Her ingredients can be found here.)
A true apology might sound like, “I realised I spoke really abruptly to you earlier. I can see how that may have felt dismissive. I’m really sorry.” Can you notice the difference between a true apology and a fast one? When we pause, reflect, and name the impact of what we did, and it comes from a genuine place within us, even if it feels uncomfortable, it can repair a rupture in a relationship. When we are working in teams or small communities, building trust in our relationships is everything.
Just because we apologise, it is important to remember that the other person(s) does not necessarily have to forgive us, nor do we have to forgive others quickly when they apologise. As I teach my child, all you have to say is, “Thank you for saying sorry.” Either party can still be hurting by what occurred, and that is ok. A true apology may also open up a conversation, which is always a good thing as long as you remember that you do not have to get defensive or critical. Just own what you did, accept the feelings of others (which you have zero control over), and know that you did the right thing by genuinely apologising. Don’t forget to remain calm, even if it doesn’t go as planned.
If you notice that you’re apologising too much when you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s a good idea to check in with yourself. For example, you might be saying things like “Sorry, but I need to ask something,” “Sorry, I can’t do an extra shift,” “Sorry, I need to take your bloods,” or “Sorry, I have to get past you here.” Why are you saying sorry? Not every moment of discomfort needs to be soothed by an apology. Sometimes we need things made clear, set a new boundary, or just allow ourselves to be human. An “excuse me” or “no” can work just as well in these situations.
This week, notice when and if you and others around you apologise. Is it with intention, or to avoid discomfort? Does it bring connection or more of a rupture? Keep the following in mind when you feel the need to apologise:
- Pause. What are you actually apologising for?
- Keep it simple and own it. Name your behaviour, the impact it had on the other person, a possible way that you will not do it again, and most of all, the word SORRY.
- NO “buts”.
- Allow the other person space to respond in their own time and way. You are not saying sorry to get forgiveness. You are saying it because you are human and not perfect. You messed up and are owning the behaviour.
- Notice if you are ‘over-apologising’. What’s going on for you right now? Why do you feel the need to apologise? Is there another word or phrase that would be more suitable than “sorry”?
In small teams and communities, a genuine apology does not make you weaker. It strengthens connections and builds trust. As the artist Paul Kelly sings, “From little things, big things grow.” It shows your strength in taking accountability for your own actions and choosing what is right over what is easy. What a wonderful role model you can be.
Stay brave, curious, and kind,
MC Mandile (she/her).
Senior Psychologist, Mental Health & Wellbeing Service
1. Brown, B. (Host). (2021, June 23). I’m sorry: How to apologise and why it matters (with Harriet Lerner) [Audio podcast episode]. In Unlocking Us. Spotify. https://open.spotify.com/episode/2jxcLXMB672u5dpc9YqDu9?si=e3860a7dfb2e466d
