No matter if it’s romantic partners, friends, family, or coworkers, every relationship should have the underlying elements of clear communication, mutual respect, and healthy boundaries. These principles help to foster trust, understanding, and support, which we would expect or hope for in our personal relationships, and should also be a priority in relationships with our colleagues.
Mutual respect involves valuing the other person’s feelings and opinions, acknowledging their inherent worth regardless of your history with them or their status. We should treat each other as equals and build each other up, helping each other to learn and grow as both people and professionals.
Communicating clearly requires both talking and listening actively, without interruption or judgment, to understand the other person’s perspective. It also requires us to be vulnerable and to honestly share our thoughts and feelings.
Below are some helpful strategies for implementing these elements of a healthy relationship.
Define. Spend some time reflecting on your values, needs, and limits. This self-awareness of where you stand and what your ‘non-negotiables’ are can help you to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. Ask yourself questions such as “What traits do I respect in other relationships?” “What qualities in others do I admire?” “What behaviours bother me?” and “What makes me happy or content?” No matter what the relationship, setting clear boundaries is essential for defining what makes you feel safe and comfortable, as well as maintaining your identity, physical, and mental health and wellbeing. Without boundaries, we can feel uncomfortable, taken advantage of, and experience emotional exhaustion. Setting healthy boundaries can lead to a greater sense of empowerment, particularly in the workplace, as well as strengthen relationships with our colleagues and increase our personal quality of life. Remind yourself that our boundaries aren’t etched in stone and can be adjusted depending on the circumstances; however, be clear to yourself on why you are changing them.
Communicate. Once you’ve determined your boundaries, you can communicate them clearly to others. Vague requests and rushed conversations make it harder for others to understand, so express them calmly and assertively.
- Try using “I” statements, which feel less accusatory. Express your emotions in a calm but firm tone to let the other person know you are serious. For example, you might say, “I really don’t appreciate it when you speak to me in that tone.”
- Address any questions or feedback, as this may help the other person better understand your actions or feelings. But remember that you don’t need to justify or explain your needs. For example, someone may ask you why you chose a specific therapeutic intervention and their question comes from a place of genuine interest and curiosity, feel free to respond. However, if they ask you to justify or explain your needs, such as why you are requesting a personal day, and this has no relevance to them, do not feel the need to explain yourself to them.
- Ask follow-up questions to make sure any messages that are communicated in a conversation are understood. Be specific to ensure there is no misunderstanding. For example, you could say something like “Can I repeat back to you what I heard to make sure I understood correctly?” or “I want to make sure I understand what you said (restate their main point and then ask). Did I get that right?”
- Don’t feel responsible for how people react to your boundaries. Not everyone will respect your boundaries all the time, whether intentionally or accidentally. Stand your ground and be firm, clear and calm about what you need. Have clear consequences that you are willing to enforce. For example, if someone keeps talking over you, let them know that if they continue, you will end the conversation (and be prepared to follow through).
- When someone else sets a boundary with you, it’s important that you react with the same respect you would expect from them, acknowledging that they know what’s best for them. Take a breath and really listen to what this person is telling you about what makes them feel happy and/or safe. If something’s truly not working for you, talk it through calmly so you can try to reach a compromise. We all make mistakes, and if you accidentally overstep a boundary, be humble enough to apologise.
Respect and appreciate. Take an interest in the other person’s hobbies, friends, and personal space, and encourage them in their pursuit of them. Regularly let the other person know how their actions and presence in your life positively affects you, and express gratitude for this. These small and simple gestures reinforce mutual respect, helping create a positive atmosphere.
Adapt. As individuals grow and change, so do relationships. Be open to adjusting boundaries, along with accommodating the shifting dynamics of these relationships, as time goes on. Some relationships will get closer, whilst others will drift apart. Rather than resisting it, view this change as a natural part of life and an opportunity for relational and personal growth. Continue seeking common ground around shared interests or values, and adjust boundaries as needed. It’s also ok to say goodbye to a relationship that no longer serves you or has become unhealthy. Grieve if needed, connect with your supports, and take your time reflecting and healing.
Relationships are just as organic and changeable as the people in them. The defining principles of a healthy relationship do take some work, but they should never be a hard slog or exhausting. Define who you are and what you stand for, show appreciation and respect for the other person, and expect the same from them. Be open to negotiating to reach a workable outcome, but don’t feel you need to compromise your values to achieve this.
You are special, you matter, and your relationships should reflect this. You deserve as much.
Take care,
Dr Nicole Jeffery-Dawes (she/her)
Senior Psychologist, Bush Support Line
